A Wee Bit of the Scottish Humour!

12Scottish Weather

A film crew was filming in the highlands when an old Gaelic seer came hobbling by.

“Tomorrow rain,” he informed them and hobbled on. Sure enough it rained the very next day. Again he hobbled past: “Tomorrow sunshine,” he let them know, and it was indeed a fine sunny day the next day.

The director was mighty impressed and got the crew to hire him and every day the wise old sage predicted accurately what the weather would be. But after a couple of weeks the old man didn’t show up and eventually the director found him in a bothy.

“Hey, we need your predictions, why aren’t you showing up?” “Radio broken,” the old man replied.

Big Shuggie’s Holiday

Big Shuggie, stuck at the airport on holiday, proceeds to get very drunk. After his tenth big swig at his bottle, a little Japanese man accidentally bumps into him, causing the bottle to smash to the floor. Big Shuggie is furious. He grabs the wee fellah, demanding recompense, and drags him out of the building.

Big Shuggie returns with bruises all over his face. Behind him is the Japanese man, who is smiling. “It is just a small Japanese thing,” he explains to the astonished crowd of waiting passengers. “We call it aikido.”

Despite having been tossed to the pavement, Big Shuggie’s ire builds up and once more he challenges the Japanese man to “go ootside.” They do, and within a couple of minutes, Shuggie is limping back into the building, with the smiling Japanese man behind him. “It is just a small Japanese thing,” he explains once more to the impressed crowd. “We call it karate.”

As the effects of his mauling at the hands of the wee man wears off, Big Shuggie once more bellows at the Japanese guy that he wants to take him outside and “batter him wan.” Sighing and shrugging his shoulders, the Japanese man accompanies Shuggie outside. A couple of minutes later the hushed crowd hears a thud, and Shuggie comes striding back into the airport building, beaming like a champion. “It wiz just a small Japanese thing,” he explains to them. “The bumper aff a Toyota!”

Scottish Ambition

A teacher asks the children in class to explain their ambitions in life to the class in a rhyme.

The class favourite puts up his hand and when the teacher calls on him, he says, “My name is Dan and when I’m a man I would like to go to China and Japan.”

“Very good, Dan,” says the teacher. The class beauty is next: “My name is Mary Grady and when I become a lady, I would like to have a baby, maybe.”

“Very good, Mary,” says the teacher. “Anyone else?”

The wee Govan Terror at the back of the class stands up. “Haw Miss, my name is also Dan, bugger China and Japan. If Mary Grady wants a baby… Dan’s yir bliddy man!”

Scottish Therapy

Wee Shuggie is in a terrible state and goes to see a private therapist, too terrified to go to a doctor in case they declare him mad.

“So how can I help?” asks the therapist.

“It’s like this,” says Wee Shuggie. “Ah’ve started getting these fears at night, and they are getting worse! I keep thinking somebody is under the bed, so I go down under it to look and no one’s there. Then my brain tells me there’s somebody on top of the bed and it goes on like this all night: under, top, under, top. It’s driving me mental!”

The therapist thinks for a bit and says, “I am positive I can cure you of this. Now, I want you to come and see me twice a week for the next six months for a two hour session each time.”

“And how much will that be?” asks Wee Shuggie.

“£60 per session,” the therapist informs him. Shuggie leaves, troubled at the thought of all that money, and goes for a consoling drink at his local. The therapist never sees Wee Shuggie again, until one day months later he bumps into him in the street. The therapist is surprised to see Shuggie looking so well, not the sleep-deprived maniac he’d seen before.

“Why did you never come back?” he asks Shug.

“At £60 a pop, twice a week, for six months? You must be kidding! The barman at the local cured me for a tenner!”

“How on earth did he do that?”

“He told me to buy a saw and cut the legs off the bed!”

The Barracks Door

A Scotsman walks into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walks up to him and says, “Your barracks door is open.” This is not a phrase we Scotsmen normally use so he went on his way, looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, “Your fly is open.” He zipped up, finished his shopping, and got in the lady cashier’s line to check out. He was planning to have a little fun with her.

When it was his turn he said, “When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Scottish soldier standing in there at attention?”

The lady thought for a moment and said, “No, no. But I did see a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags.”